Posted by: theislamicist | November 1, 2007

Having Your Islamicist Cake and Eating it (aka ‘The Biscuit Speech’)

The cakes of the kuffar are full of sweetness, taste and uniform colour. Anyone who has tasted the cakes of the kuffar will agree, their cakes can be nice. But brothers and sisters, future warriors of the Scottish Caliphate, the cakes of the kuffar will lie to us. Their cakes will give us indigestion; their cakes will give us gastro-enteritis. They will give us diseases that have not yet been discovered. Like the financial system it is based on, Western society is like a whipped-up flan that will one day collapse, exposing the hot air within.

The cakes of the West are symbols of their hatred. The croissant is an Islamophobic crescent, referring to the Crusades. And the Victoria sponge is named after a Queen who ruled the British Empire which helped destroy the Caliphate! Even the Rich Tea biscuit is a veiled insult, a symbol of the rich exploiting the poor tea-pickers of the subcontinent. They even have a sweet called ‘Jammie Dodgers’! The most popular chocolate chip cookie is the Maryland cookie – a blatant reference to slavery. Even Penguin bars are merely chocolate-coated bourbon creams, compounding deception into its additive-infested mix.

When we examine the momentary pleasure these sweets provide, it is nothing to the pleasure of our Muslim sweets. Let us examine the variety of Muslim cakes, and compare them with the clearly inferior Western cakes. We have our sweets from the Indian subcontinent, the mithais, the luddoo, and the jalebis. From elsewhere we have the honest and sweet baklava, clearly superior to the Yorkie Bar and its ilk.

There is however, one exception to this rule. The humble shortbread. Although there is no evidence that the companions of the Prophet, or the early Muslims, residents of Medina, or even our own elusive scholars of the Hizb-ut-Tizer have eaten it, we endorse the shortbread as the official sweet of the Caliphate. We reach out to the kuffarocracy community with prime Scottish shortbread. Verily, in Jannah, it will be the sweet that unites us all. The Caliphate, when it comes, will establish a covenant of cakes with other communities. We are a civilised people, and inter-civilisation dialogues are important.

Now to conclude, the sceptics amongst you will wonder, what is the difference between you and the West? Their sweets are made with sugar, milk and butter and funky nuts, and so are ours. The West has its ingredients, so have we Islamicists. Brothers and sisters, this is not about ingredients, it is about standards and principles. The West has its double standards and so, in our state of war, do we Islamicists. However, it is clear to all that our double standards, like our cakes, are morally superior to the double standards of the West!

Previous: The gentrification of the Hizb-ut-Tizer

Next: How Harry Potter led to my leaving the Hizb



  1. I would love to sign you to a multi-million pound biscuit deal, I mean book deal, but, er, I can’t. How about I pay you in shortbread?

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