The purpose of life is to negotiate that gap between that which is comfortable and familiar, and following one’s destiny. For some, the familiar and one’s destiny are the same thing. They do not realise this and, like each Eastenders episode, have a busy and eventful time but no real satisfying resolution.
I am not one of those people. Things happen to me, and the world must know and discuss it.
My progress in the Hizb-ut-Tizer had levelled off, and I had taken to engaging in obscure theological debates to hone my skills, preparing for when the masses were finally mobilised. My favourite debate was ‘Under What Conditions is it Halal to share Giraffe Meat with a Jew’. Suffice to say, many a young mind was sent packing by my rapier-like wit and lightning tongue. We also engaged in many debates with the al-Margarine crew. They were not as middle-class as us, so we naturally felt an air of superiority. We did not mind if we lost debates to them as our houses were warmer and had nicer postcodes.
We were becoming more gentrified as the al-Margarine Islamicists were becoming more militant. We wanted to have round table discussions with academics about the redundancy of the international capitalist system. A common debate with these academics was whether to pay service charges on restaurant credit card bills. Some of us started to leave generous tips as the “Argee Bhaji”, the local balti house, was not to blame for the inequities of the global government-military-industrial complex, and we liked their special sauce.
However, our leader, Abu Tesco, was becoming more and more exasperated with us, his trusted lieutenants. When he wanted to have more and more fiery speeches, we wanted to drive our Lexus coupes to the local bowling alley. Having avoided being thrown out university, we had now got nice jobs as doctors, accountants and lawyers, which allowed us internet access to chat rooms were we could be decrying the west from the comfort of our leather chairs. Matters came to a head after the notorious Biscuit Speech in Kensington Town Hall in 1999…
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