The Hizb-ut-Tizer had become rather busy, and now had a sizeable number of yummies – , young upwardly mobile Muslims. Mobile phones, dark glasses and black suits were all the rage. The film, ‘ Men -in- Black’, had just been released, and we all got into the spirit of things by peering into the eyes of our colleagues trying to spot any alien presence. However, the only alien presence detected was due to bad dental hygiene.
We had perfected the art of frequently denouncing the West, with appropriate calm and measured tones. We learned to be really nice to TV and radio producers, to the studio assistants, to the drivers and anyone who would be able to get us onto a radio or TV show. We memorised our stock phrases, and learnt how to smile and say thank you – but only after the cameras had stopped rolling. The media expected a mildly menacing Muslim, and we felt it was our Islamic duty to provide them with one.
After a good few months in the Hizb senior management, I was making a name for myself. An indication of Abu Tesco’s trust was that I was allowed to look menacing in the background while party spokespeople were being interviewed. However, the thing that I really excelled at, which raised my profile within the Hizb, was my denunciation of Al-Margarine.
Now Al-Margarine was a group of fellow Islamicists who had strayed from the righteous path (i.e. our path). Like us, they wanted a separate Muslim superstate, but they did not believe it should be based in Scotland. They wanted to support an armed struggle against the West. We disagreed, but not for ideological reasons but rather pragmatic ones. Blood-stains are very difficult to get out, and we had invested in expensive suits for our TV interviews. We balked at the prospect of having to don their seemingly regulation trainers, combats, robe, turban and tracksuit top. If we wore tracksuits, we made sure they were Le Coq Sportif or Asics, rather than the bland Adidas two-stripe. When other Muslims went to march for peace, the shouty al-Margarines would hold a counter-march with banners saying ‘It is Haraam to March’. We knew they were bad people as they had been banned from more community centres, mosques and campuses than we had.
Matters came to a head when members of al-Margarine joined the Hizb, and some of our members started attending al-Margarine study groups. The senior Hizb members were at a loss as to why our members would defect, until it was pointed out that some of al-Margarine sisters were particularly passionate in their denunciations, and this was attractive to some of our unmarried brothers. So we announced that once the Caliphate was established, women, especially native Scottish women, would flock to our cause. These women would need husbands, and if our members were patient, good things would come. This seemed to stem the flow of HIzb defectors to the al-Margarines at least amongst the men. There was also a secret meeting between Abu Tesco and the secret Ameer of Al-Margarine. The result of this meeting was not known, but Abu Tesco always twitched whenever it was referred to. We realised he had been al-Margarined.
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