Posted by: theislamicist | September 5, 2007

How to boil an egg, Islamicist style

Speech 1:


an egg

a stove
a cooking pot
a clock.

Put the water in the pot. Put the egg in the pot, and ensure the water completly covers the egg and then some. Heat the water until the water is boiling. Look at the clock.

Keep the egg in the boiling water.
remove after three minutes softboiled
remove after five minutes hardboiled.

Speech 2:

The egg of the Muslims will rise up and unite the Muslims

There are 1 billion Muslims on this planet. Those that are not living in non-Muslim lands are living in arenas of sin, drink and drugs, drugs like cannabis and marijuana. They are living in a house of homegrown debauchery, the ‘Dar-ul-herb’. Muslims are in a state of denial. The temperature is rising. We have been told to boil an egg. Who are THEY to TELL us to boil an egg? For years they have stolen our eggs! They have stolen our eggs! They have stolen our Eggs! They are the people behind the Masons, they are the Zionists, they are the Communists, they are the Far-Right. They are the Liberal! They are the Monster Raving Loonies!

The other egg stealers are the Muslim corrupt leaders who enforce strange habits on the masses. These puppets are holding our eggs. These puppets are of two kinds, those that are being pulled by strings from above, and those that are glove puppets. All of these puppets are dangerous. We did not have these puppets when there was unity. In those times, our eggs were in one basket.

So what is the solution? How do we get our eggs back? Well, the only solution is a Muslim State, based north of the border, which will unite all the eggless Muslims. These eggless Muslims have been led astray by the corrupt and deviant Sunni Extremist, the corrupt and deviant Shia Extremist, the corrupt and deviant Dictators, the corrupt and deviant Politicians and the corrupt and deviant Misguided Ordinary Man in the Street. All of the above are also decadent.

Other solutions by other Muslims will not work. The Salafis will argue the egg is taken because it has become a bid’ah. The Sufi will argue for eliminating the egg from oneself. The Shia will argue that the Mahdi will come to restore the egg. The Muslim liberals will argue that the egg was a misinterpreted out of context verse, in fact it is a phoenix. The Barelwis will build a special mosque for the eggs. The Deobandis will still not let female eggs into the mosque. Harun Yahya will argue that the egg did not come from the chicken, but spontaneously appeared. Academics will argue that the egg is merely a small incident in a long line of orientalist interpretations and further evidence of the essentialisation of the Other. And behind all of these is a mysterious malevolent controlling hand.
So what is the solution? We at the Hizb-ut-Tizer firstly, are not anti-Semetic, a fact we are obliged to emphasize since that whole court case a few years ago. Our salvation lies in our own homeland, based in Scotland, with covenants of accord with our infidel neighbours. It is they who will have egg on their faces. The state will be a fine amalgam of Scottish and Islamicistic culture. What is our solution? We do not boil eggs, we make them into halal scotch eggs! Wonderful halal shawarma meat with a creamy egg centre. The question is not how do you boil an egg… the question is how will you eat you halal scotch Hizb-ut-Tizer egg?

But this will not come easily. It requires sacrifice. We must devote all our resources to this end. And it can be done. We will not crack. We must not let the loss of our eggs distract us. In the words of William Wallace, they can take our eggs, but they can’t take away our freedom!

Previous: The beginning of the speechifying, and how Abu Tesco got his name

Next: Controlling the womenses Part 1



  1. Dar-ul-herb


  2. Nice. Personally I like my eggs over easy.

  3. I was thoroughly entertained, thought it was worth the post! 🙂 Hope this is a weekly thing.

  4. Although the Ayatollah Khomeini said (allegedly) there is no humour or fun in Islam, I’m pleased to see that he may have been wrong. Very funny.

  5. Brilliant- keep up the good work.

  6. Found your blog through a link at Harry’s Place.

    Is this for real? Are you really seeing the funny side of religion? Or are you trying to trap all of us Kuffars into saying something we shouldn’t and then go, gotcha!!??

    As a recovering Irish-Catholic-convent-educated(education in the Catholic sense means only what they thought we needed to know) religiously indoctrinated woman, I tend to go into anaphalytic shock when I come face to face, even word to word, with the devoutly and blinkered world of religionists, I welcome your humour and hope you will excuse my paranoia.

    Heres one you might find funny. The nuns used to tell us that when women wore short sleeves and short skirts, Our Lady cried. I wonder what they are saying nowadays!

  7. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

  8. slmlkm, an Eggcellent piece.

    Some very interesting points and some very funny yokes too. They cracked me up!

    walaikum salaam

  9. i just stumbled across your site, and im glad to see you find the time and energy to trivialise everything into entertainment.

    The happenings of the hizb WERE saddening, and pathetic no doubt.

    And the offshot has been rather an unwanted scap, but suffice to say some people masked the inadequacy by learning to grow a little and making a positive contribution with what little they MAY have learned when walking away.

    Im not from the hizb before you ask. I was never a memberbut im open minded and forward thinking enough to know and realise that contributing just for the sake of entertainment can only lead you to trouble.

    May Allah guide you, and quite frankly may you kids just grow a little the hell up.

  10. Salams

    This is the funniest stuff i’v read in ages…
    thanks for reminding me that we Muslims can do funny
    Allah bless you

  11. LOL

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