Posted by: theislamicist | September 4, 2007

The beginning of the speechifying, and how Abu Tesco got his name

A meeting is the gathering of two or more people. The two people need to be agree to meet otherwise it is known as a ‘bump’, as in “I bumped into that Tony Blair fellow”. If three or more people randomly meet it is obvious someone is stalking someone else and there is nothing random about it. In the Hizb, meetings were random as people did not turn up more than two meetings in a row, as we all wanted to give the impression we had more important things to do.

We also changed location to keep the authorities off our tail. This changing of locations was quite confusing. Occasionally, there would be more people at the wrong location than at the right location. The definition of the right location being wherever the local Ameer was at.

It was in the next meeting that I attending was not the regular discussion about how the world would end and how our only salvation was to take a subscription to ‘Neo-Celtic Conspiratorials’ the magazine for the discerning over-intellectualised Scotcentric Islamicist. This particular meeting was important, as we were being addressed by our noble national Ameer, Abu Tesco bin Bakery

Now a quick note here, as to why the kunya, the ‘Abu’ nickname. Now our Ameer was known as plain Faried Kaream in his student days. During his first Islamic Society Ramadan meal, Fariedfound himself in the middle of an argument with a medical student five years older than him. The medical student poured orange juice over the hand of Faried, who responded back by upending a curry in the head of medical student. Other people joined in, and after the food fight, Faried vowed never to return to the Islamic Society. He was spotted on many occasions shopping in the Tesco near the student halls and thus was dubbed ‘Abu Tesco bin Bakery’ by the other students.

Many years later, Faried, having risen to the heights of the Hizb National Committee for the the Enforcement of Beneficial Acts and the Thorough Debunking of Inappropriate Ideas Through Cheaply Printed A5 Leaflets Handed Out at Jumah Time, took over the Islamic Society and adopted his nickname as a trophy. He was known to be upset if people referred to him by some other epithet.

Anyway, bin Bakery addressed the meeting. Now, due to a rather strange twist of fate, bin Bakery always found an excuse not be at the meetings himself but always sent a message electronically somehow. This week it was read out by a voice synthesiser, in the style of Steven Hawkings used. Now before one gets accused of making capital out of a disability, it has to be emphasised that many other voices were also available, but the Stephen Hawkings one was used as it was meant to add a certain gravitas. All it did was to send us into a mildly catatonic state, and we all expected equation about collapsing wormholes to pop into the speech.

Bin Bakery mention that we had been chosen because of our dedication, hard work and extra commitment to the cause. We were to be rewarded with more hard work, and an expectation that our commitment would increase. The ban on orange juice would remain.

The local Ameer turned off the laptop, and outlined the main way we were to convince people that what we were doing was right. I could explain theoretically, but its more informative if I post my first ever attempts at a Hizb speech…

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